Again I’m sitting in a classroom, no 20.000km I did walk, I failed. I failed and won, won appreciation for life, for my surroundings, for my easy life. But now and then I am confronted again with the laziness I find myself in. Here once more I sit behind a table, listening to an older person talking about whatever he reckons worth spending his life on. Again I’m only listening with half an ear, again I’m writing instead. This time I write directly upon my computer, paper seemingly is a thing of the past. Together with me 20 others do the same, they sit behind their screens, some on Facebook, some actually writing down what the teacher is telling them.
The most important thing I learned the last 2 months is love, to love someone and be loved back, to see a future together with that person is quite amazing. To see your own reflection in that person and to reflect that person is something I have been searching for. It does lower your freedom, but freedom is not the most important thing in life, as I have found out, I can’t stand true freedom, I need some kind of bondage so I can feel needed, in some strange unuseful way.
Amongst the brainless people I sit, swallowing the knowledge they feed me, no true wisdom is to be found here, no true knowledge. More than ever I see myself as a seeker of wisdom. More than ever I feel there is something left out, something worth pursuing, something actually worth my life. But the way I live becomes more and more the way I think, considering the life I live to be the life to live. My thought pattern has evolved to something wiser, but I am annoyed by the slowness in which I perceive this knowledge, annoyed by my own stupidity, by my own laziness.
People called me a philosopher, a poet, an adventurer (this they still call me, while I am not worthy of this name). Once I saw myself as limitless, as someone who in dignity could be an example for others, miserably I failed. My pride got the best of me, until it became to big to swallow, to big to make true. In my fall I had hit my head, once on the ground I lost my proud appearance. I myself took in the world around me and saw it as normal, saw it as livable, and the things I could not swallow I injected without looking, I made myself blind for them. Now I see myself sitting here, wishing the insights I receive could disappear, wishing I could look away, but not any more, not any more I can look away to what I myself do to others, look away of what our society actually stands for.
I made myself believe I would be able to stand myself living the same way as the rest, found a detour by which I would not see my own actions as wrong. I sit here in a class room and write down my thoughts, write down the same things as I wrote down years ago, and no, I have not changed for the better. I received what I had coming, my laziness brought me back to the present, to the past, a loop that forever will last if I don’t break through. I’d sue myself if I had the strength, I’d spend length of time on self-reflection and come to the same place over and over. It is time I see myself for whom I am, a philosopher without practice, a worthless thinker without action. Maybe things will change, maybe together with the help of others I’ll be able to break the never-ending circle, break free of the bondage that I myself learned to love, the way people love distraction of their studies, distraction of something they might achieve.
Or are all these thoughts egocentric, selfish and not even worthy to be mentioned?
Or is self purification the beginning of breaking free of this selfishness in which I find myself?