Again I sit in a classroom

Again I’m sitting in a classroom, no 20.000km I did walk, I failed. I failed and won, won appreciation for life, for my surroundings, for my easy life. But now and then I am confronted again with the laziness I find myself in. Here once more I sit behind a table, listening to an older person talking about whatever he reckons worth spending his life on. Again I’m only listening with half an ear, again I’m writing instead. This time I write directly upon my computer, paper seemingly is a thing of the past. Together with me 20 others do the same, they sit behind their screens, some on Facebook, some actually writing down what the teacher is telling them.

The most important thing I learned the last 2 months is love, to love someone and be loved back, to see a future together with that person is quite amazing. To see your own reflection in that person and to reflect that person is something I have been searching for. It does lower your freedom, but freedom is not the most important thing in life, as I have found out, I can’t stand true freedom, I need some kind of bondage so I can feel needed, in some strange unuseful way.

Amongst the brainless people I sit, swallowing the knowledge they feed me, no true wisdom is to be found here, no true knowledge. More than ever I see myself as a seeker of wisdom. More than ever I feel there is something left out, something worth pursuing, something actually worth my life. But the way I live becomes more and more the way I think, considering the life I live to be the life to live. My thought pattern has evolved to something wiser, but I am annoyed by the slowness in which I perceive this knowledge, annoyed by my own stupidity, by my own laziness.

People called me a philosopher, a poet, an adventurer (this they still call me, while I am not worthy of this name). Once I saw myself as limitless, as someone who in dignity could be an example for others, miserably I failed. My pride got the best of me, until it became to big to swallow, to big to make true. In my fall I had hit my head, once on the ground I lost my proud appearance. I myself took in the world around me and saw it as normal, saw it as livable, and the things I could not swallow I injected without looking, I made myself blind for them. Now I see myself sitting here, wishing the insights I receive could disappear, wishing I could look away, but not any more, not any more I can look away to what I myself do to others, look away of what our society actually stands for.

I made myself believe I would be able to stand myself living the same way as the rest, found a detour by which I would not see my own actions as wrong. I sit here in a class room and write down my thoughts, write down the same things as I wrote down years ago, and no, I have not changed for the better. I received what I had coming, my laziness brought me back to the present, to the past, a loop that forever will last if I don’t break through. I’d sue myself if I had the strength, I’d spend length of time on self-reflection and come to the same place over and over. It is time I see myself for whom I am, a philosopher without practice, a worthless thinker without action. Maybe things will change, maybe together with the help of others I’ll be able to break the never-ending circle, break free of the bondage that I myself learned to love, the way people love distraction of their studies, distraction of something they might achieve.

Or are all these thoughts egocentric, selfish and not even worthy to be mentioned?
Or is self purification the beginning of breaking free of this selfishness in which I find myself?

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I want to tell you

I want to tell you
I love you

I want to tell you
How I see you
How I feel you
How I smell you

I want to tell you –

I want to tell you
How lovely your voice is

But I can’t …
I want to hear you, but I shan’t.

–

Recollections of a deaf kid’s fist love

As sickness takes power over once mind

Dost thou provoke
The inevitable yoke
Of sickness and death
Upon your death bed

Be sure to remember
Not only cold December
But summer and spring
Where thou wereth mighty as a king

Where thou would sing of love
And there was no mention of life tough
Where the reason to live had no second thought
To play and love was all that thou sought

But as seasons passed
It seamed nothing did last
Neither the daffodil
Nor the will to live

As a trustworthy dog I now lay here

I remember the hour, where the beauty of a flower
Would stop me for a while and make me smile

I remember I called you my little pineapple
With you there was no problem to big to tackle

I remember that morning, ice cream we ate
Late the previous night we declared our love

But there came a time where live became tough
The going became rough
As a trustworthy dog I here now lay
But in the end nor I, nor you will stay
A river of tears is not enough to tear open the earth
To bring you back from your rebirth.

Betrayal

Betrayal,
A primordial feeling towards a friend
Who has lost that call name
Who became a fiend
A true source of shame

Once one feels betrayed
No more will he be the same
He will go away while he rather’d stayed
But as a friendship becomes lame

It won’t run away,
Won’t stay,
It will hide into the darkness of decay

My big brother

A brother on the boat towards the islands I learned to love,
but above all a brother whom I learned of.

I still remember this day as if tomorrow,
it was written in the stars he would find a knife I could not borrow.
We built a boat –
and a squid was seen squirting oil, blackening the sky, blackening the soil.
Again to be found upon the road, –
his ever teaching friend,
My brother searching his destiny around every corner, every bend.

He sailed away upon the eastern wind,
Searching his direction by a needle,
The compass giving him a hint.
Going his own way, –
out there in the world
there was too much to be learnt
to stay.

As two families come together every year
bear in mind that every now and than two people met and didn’t fret about the points in the card game manielen.

Two young people dealing with love,
I don’t know when they looked in each others eyes and knew.

But as dew drops are to be expected in the morning, it was more than conforming to see a ring
bond two people together in front of the almighty king.

A big brother grown hard and tough, but above all a brother whom I love and learned of.

Warsaw ghetto

He whispered to her
In her dream
Under the fur
Warmer it did seam

War was raging outside
No true save place
Only one to hide
For us this is the case

People all united
From Warsaw and further
Could strangle the uninvited
But murder still is murder

“Revolution!”

Industrialisation,
The privation of religion,
Piggin superstition

As church makes place for factory.
As peace became fury.
Society in a hurry.

Skylines stumble and fall.
Even this once proud hall.
As “Revolution!” is their call –

It’s as if I over my life cared

Along the earths surface
I walk, disappear
Only to resurface
Far or near

Thoughts of all kind
They might find there way
Pass through my mind
Not always there to stay

In tree, field and cave I sleep
Just passing the night
If alone with thoughts deep
It not always is a fight

As I scramble over rock
I pass my time scared
My motion is in lock
It’s as if I over my life cared

I possibly could be cured

I am trying to find myself
And as I delf deeper and deeper
I search for a passion to keep her calm
My mind, the fashion in which I think
To rethink lives possibility

The deity or the factory worker.
And as compassion lurks me onward
I find myself further, less heard

To know myself is all I wish for
I possibly could be cured